Walking through life while having absolutely no idea of what lies ahead can be very challenging in many ways, especially in a society where expectations are high and you’re expected to contribute to society.
In Belgium, you are covered in many ways. Education, for instance, is subsidised by the government, which makes higher education ridiculously cheap, when compared to Britain and the US. This is just one example. Naturally, you are to do your part by paying taxes which keeps the system running. Once you graduate, you have to enroll into an online database from the public service for employment and from then on you have to register any job applications you have send in or job interviews you have been invited for. This way they make sure all unemployed people who have just graduated or left their previous jobs are actively seeking for a job. Sounds a bit like Big Brother, doesn't it? Fair enough, the system is fit to track down people who are possibly seeking to live off of unemployment benefits or other benefits. It is difficult though, to quickly find a specific job in a pool of so many different types of jobs. You could say it's like looking for a needle in a haystack. Some, including me, are fortunate to have a family that supports them and allows them to look for a job that fits their profile, while others aren't and need to pick any job they can get in order to make ends meet. To find out what fits me I had been seeing a professional coach over the course of two months and I realise now I should have done that earlier this year. But sometimes you have to go through a storm before you realise something. I am someone who likes to travel with the purpose of volunteering and visiting people and since this is what I feel drawn to, I felt like a bird locked up in its cage. I wanted to spread my wings and be free to fly away wherever and whenever I wanted. Oh how many times have I looked up when a plane was passing by, wishing I were in it. Waiting is SO difficult because we want to act in our timing and according to our plans. We want to move quickly, impatient and eager to plan ahead and tick off the to-do list. This is the world we live in and waiting opposes it. Nonetheless, it is important to build your character. In fact, waiting is necessary for a Christian to fully accept God for who he is and be fully satisfied in him. I have been reading a book by Andrew Murray. It's called Waiting on God and it was recommended to me by an American friend who has been fighting brain cancer for almost three years now. Confused as I was after my internship in Scotland, I started reading it when I came back to Belgium in April. After less than a month, I put it away because I thought my waiting was over. 7 months later though, I picked it up again and was struck by a beautiful analogy. And I quote, "You know how the eagles are taught to use their wings…See the mother bird come and stir up her nest, and with her beak push the timid birds over the precipice. See how they flutter and fall and sink toward the depth. See how she "hovers over her young, that spreads her wings, to catch them and carries them aloft" (Deut. 32:11), and so as they ride upon her wings, brings them to a place of safety. And so, she does this once and again…" It is a beautiful picture of how we should trust in God, even when we think we are falling into the depths of the precipice. Murray continues by saying: "He (God) stirs up your nest. He disappoints your hopes. He brings down your confidence. He makes you fear and tremble, as all your strength fails, and you feel utterly helpless. And all the while He is spreading His strong wings for you to rest your weakness on and offering His everlasting Creator strength to work in you. And all He asks is that you sink down in your weariness and wait on Him." After lost dreams and inexplicable helplessness, I felt more and more like a little bird who didn’t know how to fly in this big and confusing world. It was a scary place at first because my ‘nest’ (my self- confidence, plans and hopes) was stirred up. But God caught me on his wings because I have faith, little as it might seem sometimes. All this time, instead of finding a way to help change this broken world, God simply wanted me to wait for him. He wanted to reveal to me his everlasting love and care. Sometimes a season of waiting is the only way in life that we discover the full extent of God’s unconditional love for us. This all might sound crazy to you and that’s ok, but I think we will all reach a point in life where we feel utterly lost whether it’s caused by broken dreams, sickness, financial problems or broken relationships. No matter what you are going through, He can catch you again and again. Every time you fall and acknowledge your helplessness, call on the name of Jesus and his wings will protect you and carry you. Below you see a picture of a painting that was given to me by the same American friend last year in November. The little bird she painted symbolises the facing of fears. Everyday, we should wait on God to carry us through and protect us from whatever we are facing that day.
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These past two months have been a journey of getting to know myself at a deeper level. Through my professional coaching I dove deeper into my personality and my talents to figure out what work settings I could persevere in. There are days I am still battling my disappointment and broken dreams. Yet again, I am constantly reminded of the blessings all around me and my talents that will find its place. No doubt my teaching job in Brussels has been the biggest confrontation in my life so far, though necessary to learn more about myself. I have been going to singing lessons and I am learning to read notes at a nearby music academy every Monday evening. For years, I had wished to develop this talent but never got down to it since I was too busy with my university career. It seems that in order to finally appreciate this gift, I had to sail against the wind up to a point where I lost track of myself and had to turn my back on a course for which I was not ready yet. Years ago, I had already attended the academy for a try-out lesson but immediately bailed out on it because I was unaware of its importance for developing your singing and my parents did not force me. Now, fast-forward fourteen years, I returned and find comfort in it. Just like a sailing ship cannot make headway sailing directly into the wind, so did I try to follow different courses that didn’t lead me anywhere. I lost sight of who I am and what I could do for the people around me at present, solely fixing my eyes on what I wanted and where I wanted to be. Wrestling with your very own spirit is one of the most tiring storms in life. Though I've always known that I am loved by God, I needed to learn to be kinder to myself and to lay every wish, doubt and fear of the future in his hands. I am learning to be thankful for what I have and accept the situation I am in, aware of the fact that I am at an crossroads in life, a stage in life where there is an important decision to make regarding the future. Once you graduate, you need to try different directions as there is not always a clear indication on which road to take. A direction can take the ship on a stormy journey and its sails are in danger of being torn apart. Giving up is often regarded as something negative but a new friend of mine told me that you can’t give what you don’t have. If your sails are not fit to face a certain weather, you should follow another course. As I was talking to my sweet English aunt over the phone one evening, I explained her my analogy with the ship. She is an amazing writer and has written several books. I told her that my ship is in the doldrums. She said, “well, when you are stuck in the doldrums where there is no wind directing the way, do not reef your sails in. Keep them hoisted, always ready to catch a new wind. Do not throw the anchor overboard and hide away in the cabin.” Giving up only happens when you deny Jesus to be your strong foundation, who provides for us in our needs, having paved the way to God in heaven. HE alone is the WAY, the truth and the life (John 14:6). In the last week of October, my Romanian cousins visited. I had the best time with these teenage girls, which wouldn’t have been possible if I had still been teaching. We even had the chance to see Lauren Daigle in concert. Though it had been already sold out, I had managed to buy three tickets from people who couldn’t make it anymore. Thank you Jesus! What a confirmation of his care and a reminder that he is in control, no matter where you come from and no matter how unknown the days ahead are. Accept the doldrums you’re in and be thankful for what you can learn through it. Let's leave it at that for now :) I will probably keep writing every two months or so! There are many hidden islands in the unknown sea and I am happy to share my discoveries. Lauren Daigle (31/10) - Botanique |
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