This is not an easy post to share but I believe in the power of vulnerability and honesty and its role in deeper human relationships where we can learn from one another and where there is no place for shame or judgment. I am especially encouraged to write after reading Dare to Lead by Brené Brown, an inspiring writer and researcher on courage, vulnerability and shame. Here are two quotes by Brené Brown that I'd like to identify myself with: "Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen. "Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection." So being vulnerable is not weakness, it is being courageous enough to be honest about who you are and this is what I intend to do in this post. What I thought was an opening door to a career that would lead me to my ultimate goal turned out to be a dead end. As you might have read in my previous post, I applied for Teach for Belgium in May and joined the summer training that would prepare me for a teaching position in Brussels where there is a lack of teachers. In September, I have taught 14 hours of Dutch and 6 hours of English in 5 different classes to 12-16 year-olds. My teaching job was a very short experience of less than a month but the impact it had on me made me reflect a lot on myself. Writing about it in my diary helped me process it and I feel it's only fair to also share it here, since a blog should not only tell about the mountain peaks but also about the valleys. So why did I quit my first job so quickly? For two weeks, I was staying with a sweet lady who used to go to my church in Limburg but moved to a city close to Brussels about a year ago. Though blessed with Frieda's good care, I was so overwhelmed from week one, thus barely sleeping at night, no matter how hard I tried. Once I arrived 'home' after my classes, I was unable to prepare much for the next day, as my brains were not functioning due to my tiredness and stress. Even when having prepared something, once in the class room, I was challenged by class management, a dozen of pupils asking questions, that I would lose my focus at times, forget about my notes and just wing it. Though some classes went well, stress and worry kept me from sleeping which caused for my tiredness and lack of focus to increase. My mood became very negative and I started feeling a lot of pressure on my chest. The third week I took two days off after having seen my doctor. On the Wednesday afternoon of my third week, I went to see my Teach for Belgium tutors. We decided it was better that I would quit, since my physical and mental health was at stake. After this decision, I went for another 4 days and told my classes goodbye. Teach for Belgium and my colleagues were all very supportive, which I am so thankful for. Thanks to a good family and home, my recovering went well, although it was emotionally hard at times. Having been able to do a lot of self-reflection and face the person that I truly am, was something positive I kept trying to gather from this experience. I kept telling myself that I needed to discover things about myself the hard way, which lead to more self-respect, acceptance of areas where I need help with, and letting go of trying to prove myself or reaching for ideals and perfection. Nevertheless, during the first days my disappointment was real and I was very tired and irritable. My family, however, listened to what I experienced, comforted and encouraged me. Even though these conversations are rooted in something sad, I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. I have received the blessing of faith and I believe God can use anything to give use new insights into our lives and our loved ones. Holding on to this anchor for my soul is what truly saves me from throwing myself pity-parties, feeling depressed and grumble over my broken dreams. I started seeing a professional coach and learnt more about my personality and my preferences as to where I get my energy from, the way I look at things, how I make decisions, and how I perceive time. This personality check confirmed the notes I took during my last days at school and the days following my resignation. I want to share them here: - In secondary school, I've had trouble focussing in class. This was one of the reasons I scored lower than average on standardised tests. Before exams, I always received a letter that suggested me to take my exams in a different room where I would have more time. I did not want to acknowledge my weakness nor accept it and did not care to find out more about it. I do feel now it's a part of me and it needs acknowledging in order to set boundaries and respect yourself. The fact I have not done that until now took its toll in the classroom, where I could not cope with the number of responsibilities. - Communicating in big groups tires me since I have to focus on more people and what they want to bring across. I now remember even telling some of my close friends this before. I can communicate more efficiently one-to-one. I am not assertive which is why in secondary school I was an easy victim of mockery and teasing. As a result, I always used to say that I would never become a teacher. In the years following my graduation from secondary school, starting with my exchange year in the US, I became more extravert. I wanted to become someone else. Now, I've come to realise that introversion is what I prefer in order to think clearly and reach my full potential. I don't need to become someone else or compare myself to others in order to achieve something that can inspire others. - I make decisions and set goals based on feelings and experiences. Blinded as I was by my desire to get to Romania and minister to the poor, I jumped on the teaching band wagon, thinking it would be the best way to prepare myself. While I thought it would be the right way up the mountain, I was treading an uphill rocky path with only slippers. I do not want to regret having applied for Teach for Belgium since I have met inspiring people and learnt such valuable lessons in the past three months. Although I am without a job right now, I have no reason to grumble. I am learning to be thankful in the waiting and to be satisfied in the sole fact that I am the way God created me to be. I am learning not to worry but wholly trust in God alone who all the more wants to show me how much grace He has lavished on me. It is amazing how we can experience His unchanging love yesterday, today and tomorrow, no matter what! I want to close with two quotes from Joyce Meyer, an inspiring preacher, I have been listening to lately. "God doesn't call the qualified - He qualifies those He calls." "Patience is not simply the ability to wait - it's how we behave while we're waiting." And to wrap up, I encourage you to listen to this amazing song, my favourite :)
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